The End Is Here

Ever performed a magic trick for your friends? Committed adultery? Worshipped an idol? Are you cowardly? How about filthy? Have you ever told a lie? If so, bad news. You are going to be ceaselessly tortured for all eternity.

Good news, though, if you are a male Jewish virgin. A lucky 144,000 of you are going to get to live on the New Improved Earth with Yahweh. Sound fun? Did I mention the whole place is made out of gold? And has good water and 12 kinds of fruit all year round? Pretty sweet, huh? Plus, there will be no crying, no pain, and no death. And everybody gets a cool tattoo of Yahweh's name on their forehead and worships Yahweh to his face!

But guess what? No chicks. And no being sad about your loved ones being eternally roasted in flames while you bask in Yahweh's glow.

Yes, folks, our final four illustrated stories from Revelation, reveal God's ultimate plan for humanity in full. And what a plan it is. Sure you may have been wondering what all that crazy build-up was leading to, what with all God's elaborate killings and tortures of the vast majority of humankind. But when you finally see that all those people who were tortured and killed on Earth are also going to be tortured in burning hot flames for ever and ever after they died horrible deaths, it all just suddenly comes together. So go now, read the final stories of Revelation and have your own A-ha! moment. Happy epiphany!

Armageddon

God has a plan. Our pathetic, puny human minds cannot comprehend the utter and sheer brilliance of God's plan (and God made sure of that by only equipping us with pathetic, puny human minds), but rest assured that God does indeed most certainly have a plan. And here's one thing we can know about God's plan: it involves torture. Lots and lots of torture.

Sure, torture is generally regarded by us comparatively dim-witted humans as the most morally vile, reprehensible, and cruel behavior possible. But this must only show our lack of intelligence, because God can't get enough of the stuff. In our latest four illustrated stories from Revelation, God continues to pour down wave after wave of horrible torments on mankind.

It culminates in the famous Battle of Armageddon, which turns out not to be much of a battle at all. One person (Jesus? some other King of Kings and Lord of Lords?) kills the entire combined armed forces of Earth with the sword sticking out of his mouth.

If you imagine that God's prolonged torture of humanity will stop with this epic and ghastly mass slaughter, that just goes to show how truly little you comprehend of God's plan. But to see how it all ends, you'll just have to wait for the final set of stories from Revelation, which are coming very soon.

Brick Testament is officially AWESOME

It was an honor even to be nominated, but a far greater surprise and delight to find that The Brick Testament beat out such formidable opponents as James T. Kirk, Neal Peart's Drum Kit, Sir Ernest Henry Shackleton, and Shutter Shades to be voted MOST AWESOME and to go down in history as the eighth AwesomeOff Champion over at AwesomeOff.com

Thanks to everyone who became a part of this victory by voting in the round robin tournaments, the playoffs, and the final showdown. The next AwesomeOff is already underway, and though The Brick Testament is no longer a competitor, I encourage you all to have your say in determining who or what else will ultimately get to stand beside The Brick Testament in the hallowed pantheon of Things Most Awesome.

The Brick Testament Feedback Line

In what will almost certainly be looked back on as an ill-conceived and terribly misguided move, The Brick Testament today launches its official 24-hour Feedback Line. Just call telephone number 310-HEY-WWJD (that's 310-439-9953) or use the Google Voice Widget on the new Feedback page to make a free long distance call from a land line, and shoot your mouth off. Figuratively, of course.

Be aware that any audio recordings and transcripts thereof become the property of The Brick Testament. Not sure yet what I might do with such recordings or transcripts, but if nothing else, I'll hold out the option of posting a selection of them on the Feedback page at some later date.

Satan Unleashed

Throughout the entirety of the Old Testament, the figure of Satan receives nary a mention save for convincing King David to take a census (at least the way the story is retold in 1 Chronicles) and as some sort of henchman of God in Job. It is almost as if the whole idea of a powerful archnemesis of God was foreign concept to Judaism until after most or all of the Hebrew Bible had been written.

The New Testament, on the other hand, seems to take Satan completely for granted, never bothering to explain how or why the whole realm of earth has been granted to him (not to mention any details about an argument he had with God over Moses's body), and simply retcons him as the serpent from the Garden of Eden. We learn the most about Satan from the book of Revelation where God props him up as enemy, has him deceive the world into worshipping him, only to war against him, and condemn all his worshippers to eternal torture.

In our latest set of five new illustrated stories, Satan is cast to Earth and is, ironically enough, received as something of a "godsend" by the surviving population who have endured (and will continue to endure or succumb to) wave after wave of the most gruesome torments from God and his angels.

When God Attacks

There's a popular notion that the Bible gives us two starkly different portrayals of God. There's the Old Testament God who often directly intervenes in human affairs to bestow favor on particular races, drown people, kill babies, command genocide, or torture people with snakes, and then there's the New Testament God who seems remote and aloof, and whose son espouses a surprisingly loving, forgiving ethic.

But those who read the New Testament carefully know that Jesus drops more than a few hints that God has hardly lost his appetite for destruction, and is instead saving it up for one final gory feast. The Old Testament God, Yahweh, returns to form in the Bible's final book, Revelation, and in today's four new illustrated stories we begin to see what sort of plan for humanity ol' Yahweh has been scheming up during his "quiet years".

Apocalypse (of John) Now

After finishing illustrating Job last November, it was announced that I'd next be turning my attention to the book of Revelation. "When?" I was asked. "Very soon," I replied. But when weeks with no website updates stretched into endless long months, many began to despair. Some thought this generation would taste death before it ever came to pass. Some continued to believe my words were true, just not in a strictly literal sense.

A select few, however, remained faithful and ever-vigilant, knowing that I illustrate like a thief in the night! And now: Behold! Just in time for Easter, it's the first four illustrated stories from that book of The Bible that has been stretching the meaning of the words "very soon" for nearly 2,000 years.

The Book of Job

Over the years as a Bible illustrator, one question I've gotten a lot is "Have you done the Book of Job?" There's been a lot of interest in it, and I'm not entirely sure why. It's not that the Book of Job isn't great in its own way, but it really doesn't lend it self naturally to illustration. Because most people haven't read Job (or the rest of the Bible for that matter), they probably don't realize that it is basically just an extremely long dialogue.

There's a little bit of action, but it all happens right in the first chapter. There then follows 35(!) chapters of long-winded speeches before God shows up to make a long-winded speech of his own. I've done my best to adapt Job for visual presentation, by which I mean I've cut out massive amounts of text, to pare down the rambling speeches to their bare essentials. It is my hope that this version, told as 8 illustrated stories, will faithfully deliver the essence and impact of the original without viewer feeling like he himself is being tormented by a capricious higher power.

Slaughter of the Innocents

Does extreme religious intolerance stir your soul? Does rampant destruction of cultural artifacts move you deep within? Does the slaughter of innocent civilians en masse inspire your heart and mind? If so, the seven newly illustrated Bible stories that bring the King Solomon section of The Brick Testament to a close are certain to leave you feeling just a little closer to God.

While the southern kingdom of Judah struggles to find just the right mix of death and destruction to appease Yahweh into granting them peace, the northern kingdom of Israel suffers much bloodshed due to a system of political succession in which anyone who murders the king in cold blood is immediately granted the kingship. Though for thousands of years this was indeed how many nations appointed their leaders, fortunately here in the United States we learned our lesson and swiftly amended the Constitution after the brief but turbulent Oswald and Ruby administrations of the 1960s.

God Wreaks Havoc

At the gruesome Battle of Gettysburg, 7,863 American soldiers were killed. Yet one would have to imagine sixty-four Battles of Gettysburg at once to equal the almost unfathomable carnage at the (slightly less famous) Battle of Mount Zemaraim where 1.2 million of God's chosen people fought against each other, and after which 500,000 lay dead.

During the Civil War, Abraham Lincoln was asked whether he thought God was on his side. He evasively replied that his greatest concern was rather "to be on God's side." Things were far more clear cut at Mount Zemaraim where God was unquestionably on one side, much to the detriment of the other.

In our latest set of five new illustrated stories, we find God regularly and repeatedly stepping into the course of human events. Is it to cure diseases, alleviate needless suffering, and bring peace to Earth? Heavens, no. God only meddles in human affairs for the important stuff, like doling out punishments of the most brutal sort when people choose to worship other gods or simply worship him in the wrong manner.