God Drowns Everybody / Noah's Curse

"Noah's Ark" is often presented as a children's story, and it's easy to see why. It's got animals, and children love animals. There's a big boat. Some kids like boats. And it ends with a happy rainbow.

Sure, somewhere in the middle there's the gruesome drowning death of all the mothers, fathers, children, babies and animals of the world at the hand of their own loving Creator, but such unlikely children's story material is more than justified by the profoundly important moral of the story, which every child needs to learn from an early age: Sometimes the best way to make a vast population of people less violent is to just kill everybody.

For reasons that can only be guessed, most retellings of Noah's Ark leave off the epilogue in which the one man God chose to save from The Flood passes out naked and drunk and then curses his seemingly innocent grandson to a life of slavery.

So gather the 'round the impressionable young folks for the two newest re-illustrated Genesis stories added to The Brick Testament: The Flood and Noah's Curse.

Cain and Abel Revisited, Humanity Corrupted

It's one of those famous Bible stories people think they already know, but take another look and soak in the details of Cain and Abel, the first of the Bible's many, many, many, many, many, many, many tales of violent death. Adam and Eve's two sons grow up and make offerings to God. For reasons not given (or perhaps for no reason at all?) God likes Abel's offering, but not Cain's. This shocks and angers Cain, at which point God offers him a cryptic warning or bit of advice (which I have been careful to translate rather literally from the Hebrew to underscore just how unclear the meaning is) and leaves. Then Cain murders his brother, and God shows up again to punish Cain as an eternal wanderer of the Earth. Cain promptly settles down in a city he himself builds and goes on to be the ancestor of all the world's shepherds, musicians, and tool makers, and is given a special mark of protection by God.

Equally if not more perplexing is the lead-up to God's decision to drown the entire world to death. Humankind becomes in some sense corrupted. Most people imagine this to be a deep moral corruption--of the type which, in the Bible, can only be "solved" by mass genocide (see the books of Deuteronomy, Joshua, and Revelation). But whatever it is that humans are doing that is so terrible as to justify the horrible asphyxiation of themselves, their children, and all those animal bystanders is not specified. What the Bible does specify, however, is that at this time, a group of beings called "the sons of God" are going around raping human females at will and impregnating them to produce a race of warrior giants. The Bible records no punishment (or much of anything else) for these sons of God, but descendants of these giants show up again later in the Bible, despite the fact that the coming global flood would have presumably wiped them out along with all other life on earth.

ReGenesis: Creation and The Garden

What does a Bible illustrator do when he finishes the last book of the Bible? Goes back to the start, of course! Today, June 3, 2010, The Brick Testament is "born again" with the first new additions to the Genesis section of the website in eight years.

Turns out I missed a rather important story the first time around. "Which one?" you ask. Oh, I don't know, only the very first story in the Bible! So here it is in all its glory: God's creation of the world in seven days.

And since the authors of the Bible were not content to include just one creation story, I have gone ahead and illustrated the second one as well, also known as The Garden of Eden.

Longtime fans of The Brick Testament will note that this latter one is a newly illustrated version of the very first story ever presented on this website when it launched in October 2001. Once you've fully enjoyed the new version, feel free to compare the old vs the new side-by-side. And for those who just can't let go, the original illustrations will remain online here.

George Washington in Hell

I'm sure many of you have spent the past few weeks wondering just who the third US president to be featured in The Brick Testament would be. James Garfield? Woodrow Wilson? Chester A. Arthur? Well, the wait to find out is over! SPOILER ALERT: it's George Washington.

Turns out our beloved first president and founding father is currently roasting in Hell. No, not because he owned 36 slaves, and not because he ordered army deserters to be executed, but for the simple reason that he rebelled against God's chosen authority over the Colonies, King George III of England.

It's these sort of fun facts you'll learn when you view the three new stories that wrap up the Epistles section of this website.

The Wisdom of God

If you've ever wondered "Should I get married?", "Should I attempt to attain wealth?" or "Should I commit adultery?" the four new stories added to the Epistles section of the website today will provide you with the divinely-inspired guidance you need to make the big decisions in life.

Yes, the Epistles are chock full of wisdom. But keep in mind that this is God's wisdom and not the wisdom of the world, so don't go expecting it to make sense. Stop thinking and believe.

The Epistles Strike Back

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the New Testament! Yes, folks, The Epistles section of The Brick Testament is undergoing a complete overhaul from its original version illustrated way back in 2001. Expect a total of about ten stories to be added over the next few weeks, including re-illustrations of past stories and plenty of new material as well.

As the preview image indicates, you will see that George W. Bush is no longer the only US president to find himself illustrated within the pages of The Brick Testament. And brace yourselves, because a mystery third president is on the way!

Twitter, Facebook, RSS, Buzz

Staying up to date on the latest updates here at The Brick Testament is easier than ever. Become a follower using any of these wonderful services:

The Last Supper 24" x 36" poster

The first ever Brick Testament poster is now available! What a beauty it is! Just take a look:

Big and bold at 24 inches in height and 36 inches wide, and classy to boot, printed on 100# paper with aqueous coating, this stunning work of art will impress your friends, confound your rivals, and leave your lover speechless! Head on over to The Last Supper poster page and order one today!

Brick Testament in UK, Italy papers, radio

The UK newspaper The Telegraph ran an article on The Brick Testament this past week, and that same article seems to have been picked up by several other news outlets including the Huffington Post.

On Sunday, I was a guest on "UK's best speech radio station" talkSPORT where the hosts played Twenty Questions to attempt to figure out why I have appeared in the news that week. Alas, they did not succeed in the allotted time. A somewhat more serious interview was conducted by William Crawley for the BBC Northern Ireland, and should air this coming weekend.

The Brick Testament is also in the news in Italy where Vivere Italia ran their own article. This in turn lead a Vatican-based news service to get in contact with me. We'll see what becomes of that!